If there is one thing that the economic downturn in 2007 provided, it was exciting new ways to go bankrupt. There is nothing quite as thrilling as the “sledge-hammer-to-the-face” feeling when you realize the world has bested you at everything and you have earned the right to wear their dunce cap.
Along the road to bankruptcy you will notice certain events. These are not unique to you but, they are exciting indicators that you are on the Road To…Nowhere, Good. Or, perhaps just under a local bridge.
There are several ways to ensure you can experience the lifestyle of a bankrupt wanna-be. Here are five.
1. Always trust market experts on TV. If they are wearing Armani suits, get $200 haircuts and achieve airtime, these talking heads must be God-given financial oracles. Sink everything you’ve ever earned into a Chinese fish-flavored bagel shop opening for business in upstate North Dakota. That will surely bring you wealth. Just invest everything all at once!
2. Epic, superficial, sports-star, celebrity marriages? Yes! If you can run your marriage by the same play book, then you’ll be ballin’ your way up to divorce court in no time! Sure, you’ll probably only lose half of your things, but that’s a big step to achieving bankruptcy, and you’ll look cool doing it!
3. Never pay a dime on those Federally-subsidized student loans from twenty years ago. Oh, you thought the government would forget? Nope. They just get creative and find ways to also pass that debt on to your great grandchildren. Take that million dollar doctorate in neurosciences and pursue your lifelong dream of being a professional wrestling manager or, birthday clown “par excellence.” Fortune cookie say: Dis’ make you broke, very quick!
4. Sign a contract on the latest model Lincoln Navigator because Snookie has one. Bankruptcy is like the plague to people who mimic what celebrities do. It just can’t happen to them. Sign on the dotted line and kiss bankruptcy goodbye at the local country club. Buy specialty drinks for people you’ve never met to celebrate.
5. Bankruptcy is achievable by no other means more than this–now listen close. Be sure to always spend more than you make. If you live your life on impulse you can swipe many magnetic strips through kooky machines on high-end store countertops, but they will always show up for a “Hi, Howdy, How are ya'” at the end of the month. When this happens, accidentally “forget” to go to the mail, and try to remember by going impulse shopping again. It’s fun. Try it.
Bankruptcy is so easy, it’s almost comical. Especially now, when there are so many people engaged in the business of making other people broke. In these exciting times, bankruptcy is the lifestyle that never stops giving and taking!
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