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5 Jobs I Wish Existed

Everyone has moments in their life where they wish they could do something, or just didn’t have to do something.

For those times, I wish there were people I could hire to do such things.

Below, you’ll find 5 Jobs I Wish Existed. While this is meant to be a fun, light hearted, Friday post, I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes wish these were real.

1. Creepy Staring Guys

Have you ever been in a situation where you truly wish you were armed with a creepy staring guy to make someone uncomfortable for you?

This person’s job would be to follow you around with their eyes wide open and make direct, undistrubed eye contact with anyone who dares hold conversation with you.

  • Annoying, incessant office talker- gone!
  • Scolding boss- history!
  • Other creepy person who continues to make advances at you- gone (but probably still close by)!

2. Grand Entrance Maker

I often have to enter into drab places with the low drone of voices reminiscent of a library. My Grand Entrance Maker would be an enthusiastic person, dressed to the nines who will front-snap kick doors open and in a regal voice announce “All Stand, Timothy is entering the room.” Releasing doves, and potentially playing a french horn upon entrance would be really neat too.

It isn’t that I think I’m important by any stretch of the imagination, but I really enjoy the idea of making a little noise, and it would be really funny seeing the perplexed look on everyone’s face as they wondered who on earth I was. Classic.

3. Rude Interrupter Person

Yes, I wish I could hire a rude interrupter person. Like the creepy staring guy, this person’s job would be to follow you around, and anytime a conversation gets a bit too long winded- he blatantly, and unabashedly interrupts while vigorously dragging you from the conversation (feel free to add kicking and screaming for effect). It isn’t that I don’t like talking to people, but some people have made a science out of locking you into conversation. That’s where my 300 pound, brutish alarm clock comes in.

  • “Hey Andrew, you have a big stressful project at work? Sure I’ve got 5 minutes.”
  • 10 minutes later: “Wow, you’re still talking about this project.”
  • [Huge burly guy picks me up] “OH MY GOSH!!! SORRY ANDREW, THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO, THIS HUGE, RUDE, INTERRUPTER PERSON THAT I DON’T KNOW IS DRAGGING ME AWAY!”

4. Personal Interpretive Dancer

I’m a funny person that enjoys making people laugh. There are lots of people that don’t like laughing, and for those people, I need my personal interpretive dancer. Their job would be to act out, using dance of course, what my response to a person is. Perhaps this will be construed as passive aggressive, but I would just love to see the faces of these debbie-downers as they are forced to understand what I’m saying simply by watching interpretive dance.

  • “Oh my, you have a meeting in five minutes and you demand that I provide you a proposal this instant? Here is Svetlana, my interpretive dancer to explain everything.”
  • “I’m sorry, I’ll be unable to attend jury duty. Svetlana- please explain to them why I can’t attend jury duty.”
  • “You need me on a teleconference? Svetlana, please cover for me.”

5. Personal Trash Talker

There are moments in life that are so juvenile, that they really don’t warrant a response from me personally. In those instances, I really wish I had a personal trash talker.

  • “You’ve got a bit of road rage that you want to inform me about? My personal trash talker wants to inform you of ‘how big yo mama is…'”
  • “You think I’m dumb? My personal trash talker says ‘your face is dumb.'”
  • “You just destroyed me in that video game? My personal trash talker says ‘Oh Snap! What skill you’ve displayed! I’m sure your game boyin’ skills will pay the bills.'”

Of course, I don’t think these jobs will ever exist, but one can hope. What about you, what jobs do you wish existed? Let us know in the comments.

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